Remembering
by mlw217
Summary: Cammie remembers everything that happened during her lost summer.
1. Chapter 1

Remembering

Disclaimer: I do not own the Gallagher Girls series. Ally Carter does.

"Cammie…" Bex called in a sing-song voice, trying to pull me out of my trance. I felt my hands start shaking and I quickly clenched them, shaking myself out of my memories. "You alright?" Her accent filled with worry and I smiled unconvincingly, covering my fearful expression.

"Yeah…Just staring off into space. I'm tired." I pulled on my jacket and turned around, knowing I didn't convince her. I silently rebuked myself for that horrible excuse for a lie.

"Cam…" Bex's tone was kind and knowing and I heard her take a few steps toward me. My heart started beating faster and I didn't want to tell her what I now remembered from my lost summer.

"Yeah?" I was stalling and Bex knew it.

"What's wrong?" Bex's voice was careful but firm, trying to convince me to spill. I shook my head, tears forming in my eyes. "Come on, Cammie. You can talk to me." Bex turned me around and made me look at her. Her eyes narrowed sympathetically as she saw my tear-streaked face.

"I remember." I whispered this looking down at my feet. Flashes of the torture filled my head. There was a small silence and Bex led me to my bed to sit. We were going to miss breakfast but I don't think Bex was concerned about food right then.

"You remember everything?" Her eyes were full of dread. I held my breath and nodded shortly. She closed her eyes briefly and swallowed. "Do you….want to talk about it?" Her voice was unsure. She didn't know how to help me. I couldn't blame her. I didn't know how to stop the cold numb that started spreading through my body as the flashes continued. I blinked back tears that were on the brink of falling and let my stiff gaze fall to my feet, not daring to try to talk, afraid that I might break down. Bex took a steady breath and grabbed my hand. I looked up and steeled myself, trying to pull myself together.

"Come on, Cam." She pulled me up effortlessly and led me outside our room. I walked along, feeling myself falling apart with every step. I was unraveling. I stared at my feet the whole time, not paying attention to where Bex was taking me, lost in my memories. Before I knew it I was standing outside of my mother's office and Bex was waiting for me to look at her.

"Stay here, Cammie. I'm gonna go get your mum and Abby, okay?" Bex waited for me to nod and I felt my head move slightly and I watched my best friend half-run away while I felt myself sink to the floor, my back against the wall.

….

"Headmistress." Bex strided to her best friend's mother, determined, ignoring the curious stares of Liz, Macey, and Zach. Abby sat directly adjacent to the Headmistress and stopped talking when she saw Bex's serious eyes. Rachel looked up and pointed to the screen that read 'Chinese-Mandarin' and took a bite of her eggs. "Headmistress." Bex raised her voice and spoke harshly, deliberately ignoring the directive to get her full attention. "It's Cammie." Bex gritted her teeth and glanced to Abby briefly. "You both need to come with me." Bex's accent was full and she watched Abby and her headmistress get up, excusing themselves expertly and follow her as she led them out the double doors.

"What's going on, Rebecca?" Headmistress Morgan spoke, her voice rife with fear.

"She remembers…I took her to your office. She….I don't know how to help her." Panic crept into Bex's voice at the end and Abby put a warm hand on Bex's shoulder.

"It's okay, Bex. Thank you for getting us. You can go eat breakfast now. We'll fill you in later." Abby and Rachel watched the girl hesitate, locking gazes with both of them before walking away. Rachel closed her eyes briefly and turned on her heel, about to walk to her office before she was stopped by her sister's hand.

"Rachel…" Abby frowned and pulled Rachel around to face her. Rachel's eyes immediately filled with tears and she swallowed back the lump restricting her normal breathing. Rachel cursed under her breath.

"Why?" Abby gritted her teeth at her sister's question and sighed.

"Rachel. She's gonna be okay. We'll help her through this." Abby didn't know what else she could say. Rachel nodded.

"I just hoped she would never remember. She shouldn't have to go through this."

"I know. Me too, Rach…Let's go talk to her, okay?" Abby held her sister's eyes and nodded when she saw Rachel pull herself together and they walked toward her office.

….

Bex walked through the doors and sat at her normal spot, putting food on her plate, trying to ignore the stares she was getting. She didn't want to talk about this in front of the entire senior class and she wasn't going to. She continued to stare at her plate and only looked up when Liz's frantic Mandarin cut the silence asking where Cammie was. Bex continued to ignore the language directive when she finally spoke.

"With the Headmistress." With that and a few bites of her eggs, she stood and walked out, closely followed by her roommates and Zach, leaving the rest of the class to start rumors.

"Bex." Macey grabbed her shoulder and forced her to stop and turn around. Zach and Liz stood on either side of Macey with the same inquisitive, worried looks on their faces. Bex took a breath.

"Let's get to the room first please." Her accent was thick and stiff as she shook off Macey's hand and led the way. Macey rolled her eyes impatiently and bit her bottom lip, following a few feet behind.

"Okay, now can you explain?" Liz frowned, her voice shooting up an octave once they got into the room. Bex sat down on her bed and looked up at her friends.

"Cammie remembers everything. Apparently she's been having flashes all week but right before we left for breakfast, she remembered everything." Bex looked down, not really wanting to see the reactions to her words.

"Oh my gosh!" Liz cried out and she paced worriedly across the room while Macey slowly lowered herself down on her bed. Zach frowned and crossed his arms.

"Everything?" Macey asked, even though Bex had clearly said it twice. Bex remained silent, her mind going back to her best friend's vacant eyes. Zach cursed under his breath and ran a hand over his face.

"What do we do?" Liz spoke hesitantly with fear and dread in her voice. There was a long silence because they were all wondering that same thing.

….

I sat, hugging my knees to my chest, staring at the floor, not daring to close my eyes. I was numb and didn't feel how much I was shaking against the memories flooding back to me. I didn't look up when I heard two pairs of footsteps getting closer to me and I didn't acknowledge them when they halted beside me. There was a small silence and I saw one pair of feet walk in front of me and kneel down so that I didn't' have a choice but to look at her. It was my mom. Her expression was hard to read. She looked sad and angry and fearful…there were too many emotions and I gave up trying to catalog them.

"Cammie…wanna come inside?" Mom's voice was low and soft, hesitant even, as she studied my dead eyes. I could feel Abby kneel beside me and play with the ends of my hair. This gesture was oddly comforting as I tried to wind through my tangled thoughts to answer. It took a good thirty seconds before I could scrounge up an answer and, even then, I only managed a strangled whimper. I could see a flash of sorrow in Mom's eyes before she shared a loaded look with Abby and proceeded to pull me to my feet. Their hands were strong but kind as they guided me into the office I called home. It looked foreign to me now as I was set down on the couch. Everything seemed too far away as if I couldn't reach it or comprehend it. I barely registered my Aunt beside me until her fingers were at the ends of my hair again. She noticed my shoulders relax a bit and I felt her shift in her seat so she could reach my hair better. Mom pulled a chair in front of me and put a warm hand on mine. My eyes were fixed on a spot on the opposite wall and moisture welled up in them so I could only see blurry colors bleeding together.

"Cam, sweetheart. Can you look at me?" Mom prompted me, trying to help me break out of my shock. I heard the question but my body wouldn't obey. My breathing grew ragged and Mom's hand gripped mine as she saw my fear.

"Cammie, it's alright. We're right here. You're okay. You're safe." Abby spoke this time, making sure she didn't stop playing with the ends of my hair. Her words made sense to me but my memories were contradicting them and I blinked, tears sliding down my face. I forced my eyes to connect with Mom's and I saw a small ounce of relief in her expression.

"There you go. It's okay, Cammie." Mom took a deep breath and I bit the inside of my mouth as I saw the blood and pain again.

"Can you talk to us, Cam?" Abby spoke softer than I'd ever heard her and the concern in her voice surprised me. I blinked a few more times and swallowed. I could feel myself becoming less numb and I felt my teeth chattering as if I were freezing. I gritted my teeth to stop myself but as soon as I loosened my jaw, they started chattering again.

"I…remember." I whispered and attempted to wipe my tears away. Mom nodded, relief flooding her eyes when she heard my voice. Abby tucked my hair behind my ear and Mom spoke.

"You can talk to us, kiddo." Mom sounded confident but I could've sworn I heard an edge of uncertainty. I blinked and looked down at my hands covered by Mom's. "You don't have to right now. Is there anything you remember about where you were? Something you heard that could help us find them?" Mom spoke slowly at first but she gathered speed as she thought of more questions. I saw Abby give Mom a warning glare.

"It was her." I didn't even feel my mouth move before I heard my voice. Mom frowned, not knowing what I was talking about.

"What, Cammie?" Abby caught my attention. I looked at her and blinked back tears.

"Zach's mom…She…" A sob caught in my throat and I held my breath, unwilling to let it out. I knew Mom and Abby must've caught on so I pulled my feet up on the couch, holding my legs to my chest again. I saw the realization hit their faces and I let my head rest on my knees. Abby gritted her teeth and Mom closed her eyes before they both stood.

"I'm getting Joe. You stay with her." Mom whispered but I still heard her. "I'll be back in a bit, sweetheart." She bent down and kissed my forehead before walking out, shutting the door securely once she did.

"I don't want her to know." The words came out before Abby had a chance to fully turn back around to face me.

"What? What do you mean?" I gritted my teeth before I responded.

"Mom. I can't tell her what Zach's mom did to me. I won't do that to her." I squeezed my eyes shut and fought the memories again. I felt Abby move closer to me and she sighed as she sat down next to me.

"Squirt. You don't need to worry about her." Abby focused her gaze at my scars then glanced away quickly.

"She doesn't need to know the details…" I spoke softly, wishing I didn't know the details.

"Cam…You aren't supposed to be protecting your mother. She's strong. She's the strongest person I know. And she wants – needs to be here for you….to help you through this. I'm here for you too...but, Cammie, your mom can help you….If you let her." I had never seen my Aunt like this before. Of course I knew she loved me and cared about me but the fierceness of her words surprised me. She was very serious and I swallowed.

"I wish I could forget." My voice was small but my words hung in the silence, suspended and steady as every fiber in my being longed to erase the pain of the memories.

"I know, Squirt. Me too…me too…"

….

Rachel Morgan closed the door to her office and took a breath, wanting nothing more than to find the woman that tortured her daughter and make her wish she was dead. The anger was quelled by the deep sorrow she felt as she saw her broken daughter sitting on the floor trying to hold herself together. Nothing could get that image out of her head. Rachel swallowed back the lump in her throat and she packed her emotions into a box for now as she walked through the halls to find Joe Solomon.

"Joe." She forced her voice to be void of all emotion and Joe looked up with cautious, curious eyes. Joe knew that voice and definitely those forced stone-eyes.

"What's wrong, Rachel?" Joe's voice was low. Rachel silently cursed her transparency and sat in front of her late husband's best friend.

"Cammie remembers everything. And it was Catherine Goode…" She said the name stiffly and gritted her teeth. She watched Joe blink and lean back a little in his chair. After a small silence, Rachel cleared her throat impatiently.

"We knew that this was a very likely possibility..." Joe kept his eyes on Rachel and noted every expression her features held.

"Yes…" Rachel's answer was breathless.

"How's she doing?" This question was soft; concerned. Rachel looked down, giving him an answer before she even spoke.

"We got her to talk a little. Just enough to get a name from her. It's going to take time…" Rachel frowned.

"She's going to want to keep it all inside – internalize, compartmentalize. But she can't. She needs to talk to someone." Joe was serious and he sounded like he was speaking from experience. Rachel shook her head.

"We can't force her to talk about it, Joe." Joe sat up straighter and shook his head, his jaw set.

"No. We're going to give her some time to work it out in her head but we have to be here for her to talk to. There's no way to know how she's going to react emotionally after she gets past the initial shock…we need to be ready to handle anything." Joe let out a breath and saw Rachel's eyes fill with something. Curiosity, maybe. Joe averted his gaze slightly and answered her unasked question. "I was fine at first….but I got angry and violent….then I got quiet. It took a long time, Rachel. I don't know what Catherine did to her but if it was even half of what she did to me, then I would prepare for a long road." Joe's words were followed by a thick silence that Rachel didn't want to break.

_I was wondering how it would've been if Cammie had gotten her memory back. (Considerably darker than the book) Let me know what you think and if I should continue! -mlw217-_


	2. Chapter 2

Remembering

Disclaimer: I don't own Gallagher Girls.

My eyes burned with tears that threatened to spill, but I kept them inside. Crying wouldn't do anybody any good. It wouldn't prevent the blinding flashes of my lost summer from devouring me, it wouldn't stop the fear that raged inside, it wouldn't help Abby or Mom find the woman who destroyed me. So I shut it down. I swallowed it back. I buried it underneath everything, hoping that it would go away. Abby watched me carefully and I could see the dread as soon as it surfaced in her weary eyes. She shook her head and opened her mouth to speak, but before she could, Mom walked in, Mr. Solomon entering the room directly behind her. I gritted my teeth. I couldn't look him in the eye; I couldn't look anyone in the eye without fear that they would see it...they would see how weak and broken I was. And that was unacceptable. So I tightened my hold on my legs and stared straight ahead. I heard Abby let out a sigh beside me and saw her turn away from me, giving my Mom and Mr. Solomon an unknown expression I was sure had something to do with my demeanor change. They were spies...and they knew me better than anyone...so they knew what I was doing. There was a silence and I almost wondered if they had all left the room, but then Joe Solomon sat in front of me. My heart was pounding in my chest and I was sure he could hear it, hear the weakness radiating from me.

"Cammie." I don't think I've ever heard his voice so soft or his tone so raw and understanding. He held my gaze for a brief second before I couldn't handle it anymore. Breathing was becoming more and more difficult and I felt like I was running. I wanted to run...from that sorrowful look in his eyes, from my Mom's pained expression, from Abby's deep concern, from who I had become the second I found what I had been looking for. I don't think my Mom had ever been more right when she said there were some things I didn't want to remember. I wish I could go back...back to that blissful ignorance. Abby must have seen my labored breathing or heard my racing heart trying to beat its way out of my chest because she grabbed my shaking hand and squeezed, moving closer to me on the couch. "Cammie, you do not have to say anything to me. You don't have to do anything. There's absolutely no pressure. I just want you to understand that we are here for you. We're here to help, to listen, to sit in silence if that's what you need. I understand where you're at. You're confused. You want it to go away. You want to be strong in the face of this...and I understand that. But it's okay to not be okay. That sounds like a load of crap...I know. But it's still true. I wasn't okay either." He stopped.

The things he was saying sounded stupid and I wanted to scream at him to stop, to shut up, to go away. But I stayed silent because that's what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to listen and take in the wisdom of someone who had been through this before. But I didn't care...so I sat and stared down at the leg of the chair he was sitting in, swallowing back the tears that were on the brink of falling. I saw Mr. Solomon sit up straighter in response to my silence and glance in the direction I knew my Mom was standing. But I didn't want to see the exchange of expressions or hear anything they had to say. I wanted to leave and as my heart rate maintained its accelerating speed, I started planning my escape from this too-quiet room.

"Sweetheart." Mom walked toward me and sat on the side Abby wasn't sitting. "What can I do?" Her voice was desperate and it hurt my heart. She just wanted to fix things...but she couldn't. She couldn't do anything to make it better. I felt like I was going to explode and I knew I had to get out of there. I shook my head and opened my mouth to speak. Nothing came out but I knew I couldn't just get up and leave without a word.

"I need...to go." My words were choked and I cursed the weakness boiling over into the silence around me. I stood, but Mom stopped me, grabbing my arm. Then, something snapped inside me. Something ripped apart, because I recoiled from her touch like she burned me and I pulled my arm back, wrapping it around my torso protectively. Realizing my reaction and its consequences, I glued my eyes to the ground, shaking my head. "I'm sorry. I'm fine. I just need a minute." With that, I backed out of the office and closed the door. No one tried to stop me again.

Once I got out of the office, I ran. There was no one in the hallway and for that, I knew I was lucky. The quiet of the building shrouded my pain for now, but I knew they would soon be full of students so I ran to somewhere no one would find me. I didn't go to any of my normal hiding places because someone would find me there and I had to be alone. I had to be able to think, to process, to disappear. So I went to a place I reserved for emergencies only. I felt my heart hammering against my ribcage as I sprinted through the halls like someone was chasing me. I felt like someone was chasing me-I could almost hear their frantic footsteps closing in on me-I felt like someone was trying to kill me and if I didn't escape, that would be it.

I saw the blood again.

I saw Catherine Goode's malevolent smile.

I heard my screams.

I heard my voice ripping and tearing as I begged for mercy and then...silence.

I made it. I was enveloped by the dark and I felt a solid wall behind me. It was cool in there and I took wheezing breaths, trying to slow my heart rate. I let my head rest back on the concrete and I tried to fight the panic tearing me apart, squeezing my eyes shut.

"You're okay. You're okay. You're okay." I repeatedly whispered this over and over until it no longer sounded like I was saying words. My heart felt like it would explode at any second and I lashed out, punching the concrete wall in front of me until I collapsed into a ball on the floor of the tiny hidden compartment. But I didn't cry. I couldn't. Silence, like icy fingers, closed around my throat, and I sat up. I was fine. There was nothing threatening my life. I was not back in that room with Zach's mom. I was here. I was inside the walls of the Gallagher Academy where I was safe. There was no reason to freak out. I had to pull myself together. So that's what I did.

...

"Okay, that's it. I'm done waiting." Macey stood up from the homework she'd been pretending to do and strided to the door of their room. Bex felt the same emotions pulling her to her feet but she saw Cammie's eyes again and how broken she looked.

"Abby said she would fill us in later. Surely if they were done talking to her, they would've come and gotten us." Bex sounded unsure and Zach capitalized on it.

"I'm with Macey. It's been hours...We went to class and did our work-sort of-now we get answers." Zach's voice was strained, like it took him a lot of effort to get the words out.

Liz nodded and when the only hesitating spy in the room looked up, she was holding her hand out for Bex to take. Shaking her head, Bex took the help and followed her friends out of their room, a nervousness settling in her stomach. She didn't know what to expect when they got to the Headmistress' office and she gritted her teeth in apprehension when Macey knocked on the door. After a few seconds of waiting, Abby answered, her expression forced professional. Bex could tell that this situation was not looking good and her stomach dropped a little. As soon as Abby saw the worried, expectant faces, her stern eyes softened and she hesitated before pursing her lips and letting the four of them inside. Bex expected to see Cammie sitting on the couch or the floor or at her mother's desk...but her brows drew together when she noticed her best friend's absence.

"Um...where is she?" Bex's voice was harsher than she had intended but she didn't take it back. Her question hung in the air for a minute before Mr. Solomon responded as he crossed his arms against his chest. Zach mirrored the only other man in the room, concern deep in his eyes.

"She needed some time. I think we overwhelmed her..." He sounded sad as he sat on the edge of the Headmistress' desk.

"You let her leave?!" Macey exclaimed incredulously, her eyes wide in disbelief. Liz tried to reign in Macey's anger with a small tug on her arm, but she was no match for the very tired, very worried girl.

"You know as well as I do that if Cammie wants to leave, she will. We can't hold her against her will." Abby spoke this time, letting an edge creep into her demeanor.

"Do you even know where she is?" Macey asked coldly, instantly regretting her tone. This was a sore subject and it took everyone back to when they realized Cammie was gone. A silence grew and it seemed as if no one wanted to break it as Macey avoided Abby's hurt eyes.

"She hasn't left the building. We're giving her some time..." Headmistress Morgan's defeated, sorrowful expression shocked Bex as she studied her sluggish movements when she sat down at her desk. Bex had witnessed this intensely strong woman face some of the worst things imaginable. She'd seen her lose her husband, almost losing her sister and, for a few months, her daughter; but this was different and somehow so much worse. Bex had never seen that dull look in her eyes and it scared her. It scared her for Cammie and what she remembered, it scared her for whatever Cammie had said to produce that utter despondence, it scared her because all she wanted was to help her best friend and now she wasn't so sure she could. Bex glanced around at her friends, all of whom were deep in thought. Zach looked like all he wanted to do was run after the girl he loved, but he kept his feet glued to the floor. Liz looked like her mind was moving at a million miles an hour as she tried to find a way to help, to fix, to overcome. Macey looked ashamed and she sat on the couch slowly. Bex watched Mr. Solomon study Zach carefully and Abby stare angrily at the ground. She knew Abby was furious with herself, not with Macey. The hardest person to look at was Cammie's mom. She no longer looked like the Headmistress. She looked like a mother without answers...without the ability to help her daughter...she was blaming herself. Bex shook her head, trying to think of something-anything-to do. But there was nothing.


	3. Chapter 3

Remembering

When I crawled out of my dark haven, I wasn't sure how much time had passed. It could've been hours...it could've been more. I had to pull myself together enough to leave the safety of isolation, the quiet of the darkness, the calm that came from the silence. I had made the choice to be okay, and that happened to include people; so I made my way out of my emergency hiding place and into a desolate, eerily still hallway. There was a persistently heavy, dull numbness covering my every cell and panic slowly built in my chest into a raging, burning, suffocating anxious terror. I could hardly breathe and as I walked toward my room, I focused on what each muscle in my body was doing to distance myself from the panic overwhelming my nervous system. As I turned the door knob, I could see that all the lights were still on and I prepared myself for my most difficult cover yet: convincing my friends and family that I was okay. Despite my ever-crumbling facade, I thought I could still pull it off. It didn't matter that my mind raced faster than my heart rate or that I felt like screaming until my vocal chords ripped apart...I believed I could suppress the agony; disassociate from the memories. Macey was laying on her bed, reading a textbook; Bex was spinning her pocket knife in her hand; Liz was on my bed, evidently finishing my homework; and Zach was sitting at the foot of Liz's bed, writing something (presumably working on homework assignments) in a notebook. I could tell by the disappointment rushing through my chest that I had hoped they would all be asleep. But I was not surprised. They were my family...of course they were still awake.

"Cammie..." Liz was the first to speak and she sounded uncharacteristically unsure of herself. My face was hot as I noted each concerned expression all trained on me. I tried to recall what the blissfully ignorant Cam would look like in this moment, but I couldn't connect that person with who I was now. I didn't know how to fit in her place.

"Hey." Only a whisper came out; I hadn't spoken in hours. I felt my gaze fall to the ground as the panic rose in magnitude. My chest was tightening and it felt like no matter what I did, I couldn't get enough oxygen into my lungs. There was a bit of an awkward silence and I felt their stares while I locked my eyes on the ground. Before I could think of something to say, I saw Zach's shoes directly in front of mine. To his credit, he waited for me to look at him before slowly pulling me into a hug. As soon as he touched me though, I went rigid. I didn't want to pull away but there was a violent flash of his mother's face and I gritted my teeth, pushing him back a little. I didn't want to see the hurt in his eyes so I moved past him, feeling like I was about to explode. If I didn't get out from under their concerned stares, I was afraid of how I would react. I already could feel my limbs shaking and tears forming in my eyes. "I...I'm just gonna...take a shower. I'm...I'm fine." My voice quaked and I couldn't bring myself to look at anyone. With that complete failure at a cover, I shut and locked the door, frantically turning the water on before I could break down.

...

A stunned silence lasted for about a minute after Cammie had locked herself in the bathroom and was only broken by a whispered curse from Macey's side of the room. The air was thick and tangled with conflicting emotions.

"What are we gonna do?" Liz whispered desperately, at a loss for how to help their friend.

"Be here...she's gonna push us away. We just have to be here." Bex shut her knife and tucked it under her pillow as she pulled her covers up to her shoulders, preparing for sleep if it should come. After a few seconds, Liz and Macey followed suit (almost silently). Zach was the only one who didn't move a muscle. "We'll take care of her, Zach. Promise." When Zach turned to the voice, he saw Bex sitting up in her bed. "I'm not going to sleep anytime soon. Plus, we'll know if she gets up. Never took that system off her bed." Bex sent the hesitant boy a sad smile. At any other time, that remark might've been humorous, but it only shook him from his stiff stance enough for him to consider what Bex was saying. Zach nodded and walked out wordlessly, glancing back to the closed bathroom door before leaving for the night. The three girls shared a look and Macey spoke up this time.

"Why is this happening?" Her voice sounded much smaller than usual. When no one responded, she started again, "I'm gonna kill Catherine Goode when we find her." Macey glanced at Bex and Liz with dangerous eyes. There was no doubt or hesitation in her words. Liz's brows furrowed in fear and concern but mixed with an aberrant and fierce agreement and Bex nodded, her jaw muscles working overtime as she imagined what she would do if she ever got her hands on that woman.

...

"Rachel, get some sleep. I'll keep an eye on our girl tonight." Abby tried to pull her sister from her thoughts as she sat next to her on the couch.

"No thanks." Rachel answered shortly, keeping her face stone. She'd sat on that couch for hours...thinking, processing, blaming.

"Rach. She's safe in her room. And you need sleep." Abby made her voice a little more forceful, her concern growing.

"She's not." Rachel answered quietly, still not looking at her worried sister. Her eyes were red and wide open, focused on the wall her daughter had been so fixed on earlier that day. There was a part of her that thought if she stared long enough, she'd be able to see what her daughter saw; understand what was going on behind those tortured, streaming eyes.

"What?" Abby was confused, but before she could say anything else, the distressed mother met Abby's gaze and spoke, the intensity taking her aback.

"She's not safe, Abby." She paused briefly, gritting her teeth. "Because it's her mind, her memories...they're consuming her...they're trying to destroy her. And I can't **do** anything." Tears were streaming down Rachel's cheeks, anger and despair making her voice shake. That was it. She couldn't hold it in anymore. She doubled over in her seated position, unable to hold herself upright. Abby's heart was breaking at the sight of the strongest person she knew: broken, helpless...suffering. Her own tears were hot as they burned down her face and she pulled her big sister close, trying to comfort her and hold her together. Abby ran her hand over her sister's hair as they rocked back and forth, whispering words she hoped would comfort or strengthen or calm. Rachel was shaking uncontrollably...this was too much for her. She'd endured so much...given so much of herself-she couldn't handle Cammie losing herself too. They stayed like that for a while until the Headmistress could stop the quaking.

"She going to get through this." Abby, despite her shaky voice, firmly believed that statement with everything inside her. She had to believe that. If she didn't, what was left?

"How do you know that?" She sounded like a child as she wiped her raw eyes, choking on the air a bit as she spoke.

"Because you raised her. She's strong, Rach. You've taught her how to endure...how to keep putting one foot in front of the other..."

"That's what I'm afraid of." Rachel pulled her knees close to her chest and it didn't escape either woman that this mirrored Cammie's demeanor in that very spot only a few hours prior.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't deal, Abby. I push it down...I ignore it...I suppress. And she's watched me 'cope'. She can't suppress this, Abby." Rachel wasn't crying anymore and she stood up suddenly, making her way to her desk.

"Rach, what are you doing? You need to sleep." Abby shook her head at her stubborn sister, a little exasperated.

"No. I need to find her." The Headmistress barely got 'her' through her teeth, her jaw was clenched so tightly. Abby gritted her teeth at the determination on her sister's face and knew it was no use to try to make her go to sleep. After a few minutes of listening to Rachel's frantic typing, Abby stood. She couldn't sit here any longer. There was nothing more she could do for the moment.

"I'm gonna check on her." Abby's concern and apprehension seemed to fill the small office to the point where it was difficult to breathe. Her sister's pain and helplessness were suffocating and she wished she could do something to stop it. And her niece...oh, her sweet, talented, devoted, loyal Cammie. Abby would give anything to trade places with her. Just the thought of Cammie being at the mercy of someone as malevolent and remorseless as Catherine Goode made her sick. Physically ill. If only she could erase those memories-take away the scars-go back in time and stop Cammie from leaving...but she couldn't. Her heart clenched painfully at that impossibility, her mind reminding her of the harsh reality. And now she had to figure out a way to help that sweet, devastated, damaged, broken girl through the worst time imaginable. Abby took a short breath before sneaking a peek into the dark room. But she didn't see Cammie anywhere. Panic shot through her body, tears pricking at her eyes as a scream built in her throat. Before she could react physically in any way, Bex was walking to the door from her place on the floor next to the bathroom. She gestured outside. Abby swallowed back the barrage of emotions threatening to break free and followed the young girl into the hallway.

"She's been in the bathroom since she got here. I figured once we all pretended to go to sleep, she'd come out..." Bex paused. "But she never did. We tried to get her to open the door a few hours ago but she just kept saying she was fine..." Bex's eyes were red, whether from a lack of sleep or from boiling emotions rising up, Abby didn't know, but she could see the girl's strong facade cracking. "I didn't want her to be alone...so I told her I'd be right outside." Now Bex looked like she might fall apart and Abby quickly grabbed the girl in a tight hug. To Abby's surprise, Bex reciprocated the embrace right away, clinging to her as if she could somehow gain strength from this connection. Abby squeezed her eyes shut and gritted her teeth. The helpless agony had affected so many around Cammie and Abby was astounded by the intensity of the pain in her own heart as well as everyone else. The rarity of Bex's vulnerability was foremost on the older woman's mind as she held the young British girl close.

"I don't know what to do...I can't just do nothing." Bex pulled away slowly, wiping her eyes and trying to swallow back the bitter helplessness.

"I know...but there's not much we can do. You know that." Abby paused, tucking a strand of hair behind Bex's ear. "You need to sleep. I'll go sit with her, okay? She won't be alone." Despite the dread of seeing her niece in such a broken state, Abby wanted nothing more than to be beside her; to try to hold the pieces together. Bex hesitated, an expression of dissent forming around her eyes. "You can't function on no sleep. Come on." Abby didn't wait for an argument as she gently led the girl back into her room. Bex settled her tired body into her bed and watched Abby pick the bathroom lock and slip inside. Bex didn't think she'd be able to sleep, but her heart hurt a little less knowing Cam was not alone.

...

The light was off in the bathroom and Abby closed the door as silently as she could. When her eyes adjusted, her breath hitched. Cammie was laying on the floor. Her knees were pulled to her chest, her hands cradling her head as if she were trying to prevent something from escaping. Tears fell from her eyes as she spotted Cammie's dull, agonized gaze. Her eyes were fixed at the wall directly in her sight and Abby couldn't tell if she was aware of her presence in the room or not. She re-locked the door and slowly lowered herself to the ground, using the sink for support. For a few minutes Abby just sat in silence, recalling a time when she'd been stuck to the tile floor of her bathroom, unable to move or process. There was nothing she could say but she inched closer to her niece and put a warm hand on her tensed shoulder. Silently, she mirrored Cammie's position on the floor and closed her eyes, not once taking her hand off of the broken girl's arm. They stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity before Cammie sat up. Abby did the same, carefully observing her niece's expressionless features. It was strange. And wrong. She didn't quite look like Cammie; at least, not the Cammie she knew.

"Cammie?" Abby kept her voice a whisper.

"Hey." Cammie visibly straightened her tired posture and glanced briefly at her Aunt's concerned gaze before looking past her to the locked door.

"I'm sorry, Squirt." The words spilled from Abby's mouth before she could consider what she was going to say. Cammie's brows drew together slightly at the apology.

"You have nothing to apologize for." Abby was grateful to hear the girl's voice and see a semi-normal response from her.

"I do." The conversation was slow; calculated. There was a silence and the two women let it grow until it swallowed the room. Finally, Abby spoke again. "I should've been there to stop you. I should've found you. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Cam." Abby hadn't intended to say any of this. It was just coming from her mouth, unwilling and unstoppable. For a minute, Abby thought Cammie would break down, scream, cry, accuse...but she just looked up at her with dull eyes.

"It's not your fault, Abby. It was my decision to leave. It's on me." Cammie hardened her voice to stone and made her eyes unyielding and unreadable. Cameron Morgan felt a wall shooting up around her and it felt safe, it felt real, it felt like control. The numb spread further through her bones and now she knew she could do this. She could push the memories away. She could create a cover and live that cover like it was the truth. She would be okay. Because that's the only option she gave herself. She would become okay.

_Thank you so much for reading. I know I'm awful at updating, but I always appreciate the feedback and the notifications I receive when one of you follows or favorites or reviews! R&amp;R! -mlw217_


End file.
